From Letterman

The Top 10 Signs a Ballplayer is Cheating:

10. Tested positive for uranium
9. Always asking fans for clean urine
8. After each win, receives congratulatory phone call from BALCO co-founder Victor Conte
7. Name on back of his uniform is "Bonds"
6. You can find him in the clubhouse corking himself
5. Distracts opponents by throwing out the frozen head of Ted Williams
4. Somehow got three RBIs during the seventh-inning stretch
3. You haven't seen someone with that much Vaseline on them since the last Paris Hilton video
2. Pete Rose called him a disgrace to the game
1. His nickname is "Needle Ass"

-- The Late Show with David Letterman