Drunk Dialing: An Expose.

Part I: Rules Of Drunk Dialing

1. Only drunk dial when you are drunk. Everything else is false advertisement.

2. It is okay to call someone 27 times in one night. If you don't remember it, it didn't happen.

3. If you are going to drunk dial a family member, say something nice. Ex. "Mom, I'm in McDonald's and they're playing our song. I love you."

4. Dirty talk while drunk dialing is always preferred. Who doesn't want to hear your best raspy, phone sex voice at 3 in the A.M. asking to bend them over something??

5. Voicemails are always better. This way your friend can let their friends have fun at your expense for days, even weeks to come.

6. Drunk texting is alright… if you are prepared to read what you wrote the next day when you are sober.

7. It is definitely a good idea to call all of your exes and remind them that you were the best lover they've ever had and everything they know, they learned from you. This way you can sleep well at night.

8. It is always a good idea to sing on someone's answering machine or voicemail. Especially a show tune.

9. Drunk dialing should be fun and light hearted or dirty and sex crazed… never angry.

10. Most likely you will never drunk dial your best friends. They are usually the ones taking your phone away and reminding you that "you have a problem".

11. If you deleted a number sober, it was probably for a good reason. Do not try to retrieve this number. Nothing good can come from it.

12. If your cell phone dies, remember everything happens for a reason. Never borrow a friend's phone to do your dialing.

13. When dialing remember that "hanging out" at 3 in the a.m. usually doesn't involve cards it's probably going to be more like cheap lube and handcuffs. So be prepared when you really do want to play X-box when your drunk… "you want me to do what with your box? Play with it?"

14. Don't drunk dial in the pool, tub, or rainstorm. It only ends up with you blow drying your phone when your far too drunk to be using electronics and you won't be able to drunk dial anymore that night.